The “And”
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And
Timelines, expectations, and the Big AND
I am a product of decades of jobs where I had clearly delineated timelines and expectations. I even created them for others because it was part of my job. And I worked well within those, for the most part. I was very good at procrastinating on the parts I didn’t want to do (but still getting it done), and pouring time and energy into all the parts I loved.
Learning that maybe I can’t be coloring inside the lines of cultural expectations all the time has been a rather painful lesson that I never thought I needed.
The change
In the final year of my job, I stagnated. The timelines and expectations fit like last year’s clothing — if you don’t fluctuate in size, you won’t know what that means, but it’s not good! It felt like my heart was being squashed, my brain was fuzzy and frenetic all at once, and I was screamingly panicked fully 51% of the time I was awake.*
What I refused to acknowledge for forever was that maybe it wasn’t just me not fitting where I was, but that maybe God was trying to move me along and I was fighting Him.
It’s laughable, really. I was fighting and arguing and ignoring and throwing a fit with the Creator of the Universe, my dearest loving Papa. The God of Armies, the Prince of Peace, all the things He is: I was struggling So Hard against Him.
Because why? Because here in the United States I find my security in my career? Where is that found in His Word? (Note: It’s not.)
When I finally talked to my boss in May and let her know I was planning to resign and not return, the relief was immediate.
*My stat, I get to make it look any way I want to.
Adjustments — making my own timelines
Stepping away from a regulated career with predictable dates and timelines was a bit spooky. I spent a few months simply recovering and working with Holy Spirit on a project He had for me.
Without the help and support of my husband, I’d likely still be tweaking it. And that’s part of my problem: timelines.
I have been trying to set up some timelines on new projects that have been placed on my heart. And here’s where I’m disappointing myself, because I’m certainly not meeting them.
I had the thought that my experiences, past and present, could help others. I decided I needed to write a newsletter and use that to help others. I would post it here and on my website.
But! Post a newsletter every Friday? Why Friday, Kristi?! Worst possible day of the week to choose for me!
Maybe, just maybe, I should be listening to Holy Spirit’s whispers instead of self-help advice?
Apologies
I froze the last two Fridays. I knew I’d said I was going to write, and then I immedicately couldn’t do so. I had NOTHING to say. Nothing.
Unless it was the middle of the night. Then I had plenty of thoughts, but not enough awakeness to make it happen in print.
Plans
I mentioned that I am learning a new rhythm, settling in a bit. I am relearning how to listen to Holy Spirit. How to hear Him, and to take joy in all He has for me, because I know it will be so much better than I could dream of!
So I have some projects in the works (inside my head for the moment), and I am excited to get started on those.
AND.
Oh, the and. The Big Gigantic And in the room.
AND I think I’ve got this strange thing going with God using me, building the community I’ve been yearning for.
Things plopping into my lap. Just outright landing there. Without warning, without rhyme, without rhythm, without any kind of human logic.
And so I am embracing the AND!
Thoughts:
Am I scheduling God? Not “scheduling time for God,” but literally drawing out the path for my life, projects, and more? Then moving forward without asking His opinion and then expecting Him to bless my plans?
Alternate Goal:
Make plans. Work with God in the process of planning. Ask, listen, and walk forward, vigilantly seeking Him in everything so that I can adjust where He guides me past pitfalls and difficult paths.
Do this in everything.
